My Anxiety Journey

Anxiety comes in many shapes and sizes. It is a topic that is now widely talked about and one I am still learning to be comfortable opening up about.

My anxiety started soon after going through my second open heart surgery. That whole experience for me was tough to go through. I was 20 at the time and felt like my whole world stopped. I was scared, fearful of the unknown and uncertainty. I felt I had not control.   Thankfully, the open-heart surgery went smoothly. The recovery started off rough as I was dealing with new medications and side effects from the anesthesia. I was in the hospital for two weeks and then was able to come home. I continued my recovery and started to get my life back on track. Exactly two months to the day I was back at school taking a full load.

To be honest, I don’t think I ever took the time to fully process everything that had happened. I went into survival mode. I focused on school, my student-employee job, and doing my best to maintain my health. That last focus is where my anxiety really took flight. I just knew that I had to keep moving forward. I chose to ignore all the fear and focused on being thankful that everything went well. However, shutting out that fear is where things started to escalate.

I started to become very anxious when it came to my health. One, I did not want to end up having another surgery and two, I did not want anything to happen that would have adverse effects on my heart. I became very fearful of germs. Overcome by the constant awareness of germs everywhere and fear of being sick, I started experiencing symptoms of OCD. Specifically, washing my hands constantly. I also had these thoughts in my head about what would happen if I got sick. I had myself convinced that just something as simple as the common cold could cause me way more harm. In addition to the handwashing, I also became more cautious of where I went (especially during the winter months) and who I spent time with. I became unhealthily obsessed with thinking about germs, sickness, and trying to prevent getting sick.

In addition, I started new habits that in one sense seem very healthy and normal. I started working out and trying to eat better. This is all good. However, I took it to the extreme. Working out two times a day, cutting out sugar and limiting other foods, it became unhealthy. I ended up losing roughly fifteen pounds and was the thinnest I had been.

One day before class, it all came spiraling. I had such a hard time leaving my apartment for class. I was scared of almost everything. I started crying, overcome with feeling of anxiety, wanting it to go away but not sure how. This was the final straw. I finally realized I needed to take care of this anxiety. I started therapy and after some work, I can say I am doing so much better. Therapy helped in ways I did not expect. Having someone just listen with no judgement and offer encouragement was a huge help to me. In addition, I learned journaling, breathing techniques, and ways to keep my mind off my anxiety that have really helped me.

I still have my moments. Overcoming anxiety is not linear. I have good days and bad days. When I have a bad day, I try to give myself grace. I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. I still sometimes worry about my health. That is normal given everything that I have been through. I now choose to just take a breath, tell myself it is anxiety, and continue to live my life.